Bipolar Disorder and Suicide

Amongst all mental illness bipolar disorder has the highest rate of suicide. Many studies indicate a 15% rate of suicide amongst individuals with bipolar disorder. This rate is about 30 times higher than than that of the general population. The rate of suicides amongst bipolar people is even higher than that for schizophrenics.

Having said that, i won't dance around the subject. Yes i have attempted suicide at least 4 times. All of these times in my adolescent years before i was properly diagnosed as having Bipolar Disorder. At that point in time I was diagnosed as having Major Depressive Disorder. Hindsight 20/20, it was as clear as the nose on my face what i was dealing with.  I wasn't diagnosed with BPD until 2007.  This is the first time that I have had a real manic episode. It has lasted way too long, just about a year, if not right over.

I won't lie, suicide has crossed my mind again as an adult, very recently in fact. It scares the shit outta me to think this way. But for me to think this way, it's normal. Normal to feel outta place in my life. Normal to hate living. Normal to want to be done with the shit that is called my life.

I know why people with bipolar disorder turn to suicide. They never feel totally normal. When I was on my medications I was great. However it is well known and documented that those who are on medication for BPD usually stop the meds when they feel good. Once off the meds all hell usually breaks loose. I am now in that stage. I cannot go back to the Lithium that i once took. I am now on the search for a medication that doesn't cause scary side effects such as lethal rashes, diabetes II, seizures and of course the more common headache, dry mouth blurred vision. I don't wanna take these meds. I don't want these poisons traveling through my body just so i can be normal and function like everyone else. For me I will never know what it is like to feel normal. To not be on my rollercoaster of a life. To not go to bed every night with thoughts racing in my head and therefore have to take meds to make me sleep.  I will never know normal.

In my mind suicide will always be like the elephant in the room. It's always there, always an option, always a thought.  Should i drive my car into the sound wall on the interstate? Should I just take every single medication that i have on hand and hope that i don't wake up in the morning?  Should I just try to blow my heart up by going on an all night bender of cocaine and heroin?  Don't think i'm kidding.  In the past weeks these have all crossed my mind.